I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Buhtt sex?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
