Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
