remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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