guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
