It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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