She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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