and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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