I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
