My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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