I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You took a bar mat shot.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
