but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
