when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
