Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
