wanna go halves on a baby?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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