i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
