I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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