he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
