Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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