new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
