my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
