That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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