Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
