yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
