Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my shit smells like andre
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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