My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
