Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
