He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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