The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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