i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
