I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
