dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
