Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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