I molested 6 butterflies tonight
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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