Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
