whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize