Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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