Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
