The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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