Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
