Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
