I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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