Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
