I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
