I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
