U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
