I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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