ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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