My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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