The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
