i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
