I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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