Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
