I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
