I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
