Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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