His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
