if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
