He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
